The Secret Lives of Goan Boys
Photo: Karan Madhok
Short Story: ‘A man had overdosed that day. Jude remembers the tattoo on the OD guy’s bicep: A dragon spitting fire which held three symbols, Om, a cross, and a star cradled in a crescent moon.’
Jude begins to pick at his teeth with the toothpick left behind by a guest. He sinks deeper into the guestroom’s mattress, trying to steal a few moments alone. The moment his back absorbs the mattress’s warmth, he remembers the way he used to lie down on his bed and speak to Judith, his mother. He had a habit of telling her things that he knew would upset her. And he found it deeply satisfying when she scolded him.
“Mama, these stupid dogs are irritating me,” he had once said to her. “I want to kill them. These guests feed them whatever they want, and then they go. They become our headache. I want to poison them.”
He’d anticipated her to slap him then.
“You stupid,” she had propped herself up on the mattress with her elbow, and with her other hand, she did land that slap. “Don’t talk such nonsense.”
He misses this. What could he do to bring her back?
He remembers the way Judith cried the first few times she’d caught Stanley—his father—fooling around with foreign guests. Adventurous women on solo trips. All these times, Jude had felt helpless, finding no one but Maria to confide in. Now, leaving the toothpick in his mouth, he unlocks his phone to send a heart smiley to Maria. A reminder that he exists. Will she accept Jude unconditionally, the way Judith accepted Stanley?
Judith had married Stanley despite her parents’ objection and never looked back. She was a one-of-a-kind woman who tolerated Stanley’s antics like no other woman would have. She could have found anyone through her family in Mangalore, but she chose to stay with him in Goa. What did Mama see in Dada to marry him?
Stanley had never valued Judith, not when she was alive, and not now after she is dead. It’s as if her death has allowed him to be even more irresponsible. He is off to a foreign country with another foreigner, doing God knows what, leaving the guesthouse to Jude and his brother Simon. For Jude, that means all the labour on his shoulders, and all the credit in Simon’s name.
Jude takes a deep breath, thinking about how different his mother’s life could have been had she not married Stanley. The only time Jude met his grandparents was when they had come to take her for cancer treatment. His grandfather was a famous dentist in Mangalore, and Jude badly wanted to see what his clinic looked like. But he had no such luck. The old man didn’t even say a word to him or Simon. But to Stanley, he’d announced, ‘This is all because of you.’ Jude couldn’t see a connection between his father’s extramarital affairs and cancer, but the confidence with which his grandfather said it made him believe it.
And then Judith died.
Jude runs his tongue over his teeth, and then he picks at his teeth again, starting from the left this time. There’s no news of Stanley. Dada generally calls once a month to check on the guesthouse’s earnings. But he has been silent for a couple of months now. A few men have shown up at the guesthouse asking for Stanley.
Jude is kind of glad Stanley is not around. He only makes things worse by taking Simon along with him to do “manly” things which always excludes Jude. He can never forget the day both of them were out fishing, leaving the guesthouse in Jude’s care. Jude can’t help but suspect that Simon, will turn out to be just like Stanley. Just as irresponsible.
That day they went fishing. A man had overdosed that day. Jude remembers the tattoo on the OD guy’s bicep: A dragon spitting fire which held three symbols, Om, a cross and a star cradled in a crescent moon.
The toothpick pierces Jude’s gums, reminding him he’s alive, and has to clean up the room before the next guest arrives. He goes to the bathroom and bares his teeth in front of the mirror. Blood has stained them. He bends down to rinse his mouth. When he looks back up, the OD guy appears behind him, the fire from the dragon’s mouth glinting in the bathroom light.
This isn’t the first time he has appeared.
Jude wishes for Judith to appear in this manner, but she only visits him in his dreams. It’s always the OD guy, materialising in broad daylight. And often, in the most unexpected circumstances.
Once, it happened when he had been in bed with Maria.
The next time, Jude had seen him while he was swimming.
He had been happy in both these moments, and the OD guy just stared at Jude, as if he was doing something wrong.
Jude hasn’t told anyone about these visions. He wishes he could. He knows that Judith would have believed him: She was once possessed by a girl’s spirit during her school days. Apparently, the girl had died from accidentally falling into the well. This spirit—according to Judith—had simply wanted to experience what it felt like to attend school and have friends.
Judith claimed to have been possessed for almost fifteen days. Neither Stanley nor Simon believed Judith when she had shared this story in a game of ‘Truth or Dare’.
But Jude—who believes in the power of unfulfilled wishes—knew she wasn’t lying.
The toothpick pierces Jude’s gums, reminding him he’s alive, and has to clean up the room before the next guest arrives. He goes to the bathroom and bares his teeth in front of the mirror. Blood has stained them.
If Simon or Stanley had known about the visions of the OD guy, they would only bully Jude. They have a habit of picking on him, after a few drinks. “What you’ll do, haan,” they ask him. “What you’ll do?’
And that’s when Judith would always come to his rescue with, “Never underestimate anyone. Even something small as a worm! You know how talented silkworms are?”
A bottle hits Jude’s head from the doorway, interrupting his daydream. Simon.
“Ay come here, show them around.”
Jude prays it’s neither a couple with a baby nor a kid who claims to be an influencer. The former wants a free babysitter, and the latter want a free stay. Jude likes looking at influencers’ expressions when he tells them they don’t need their followers or their publicity. The more obscure the guesthouse the better, as guests enjoy their privacy.
Jude rinses his mouth again. He lifts the bottle and goes to see who the new guests are. It’s a couple with a baby! Babies are like influencers, too; they think they rule the world. Now, Jude will have to be the babysitter while the couple goes for a swim. He hates it, though he has become better at handling babies. Simon has made him a babysitter, a servant, and whatnot.
As predicted, the couple leaves the baby in Jude’s care while they go to the beach. The child’s toothless smile reminds him of how he would annoy Judith for a younger sibling. He had often asked her if she wanted to have a third child. “It’s not fair that Simon gets to boss over me,” he had said to her. “I want to boss over someone, too!” Sometimes, his heart aches, knowing that he can’t contact her anymore. Sometimes, the feeling is too much to hold within.
Noticing her parents are missing, the baby’s lower lip protrudes before her face contorts and she starts crying. Jude cries along with the baby, wiping away her tears with a napkin and then wipes his own. He points his index fingers at her. She grabs them with her tiny fingers, and this seems to placate her. Jude takes a deep breath, before telling her a story about silkworms.
“Did you know? No? Five,” he pulls his right finger from her grip to show his five fingers to her. “Their silk is five times stronger than steel!”
When Jude arrives at the tragic ending of the story about the silkworm’s exploitation for human benefit, the baby begins to wail again. Jude points his right finger at her, but she has lost interest this time. He unfastens the pram’s belt and picks her up. She throws up on his trousers, as if her body wants to expel all the other happy endings to stories that she has consumed so far.
Jude reaches over the nearest table for fresh napkins. While he uses them to dab the vomit on her chest, the parents return, fuming at their child’s condition.
The mother and father talk at the same time,
“Oh God! Why is she crying? What’s wrong with you! Can’t you take care of a child! You should have told us!”
“Why is she vomiting? What did you do? Luckily, we came to see.”
They grab the baby from Jude’s arms and calm her down by pacing and snapping their fingers at her. But the baby doesn’t stop crying. The father looks at Jude with angry bulging eyes. “You tell me right now what you did to my baby, or I will post it online, and no one will ever come here again.”
Simon comes running from one of the rooms, the other guests peek out of their rooms to look at the source of the ruckus. Simon tries to explain to the couple, but when the man starts swearing, he gives up. They leave without paying.
“You can’t take care of one baby or what!” Simon knocks Jude’s head with his elbow.
Later on, when he has a moment to himself again, Jude types a message on his phone for Maria I don’t want kids.
He keeps checking his phone, pulling it in and out of his pocket. No response. He calls her. And even after three calls, she doesn’t pick up.
Jude thinks about how she has been acting strange recently. Maybe since Stanley left with that foreigner? Is it because Jude immediately dropped out to help at the guesthouse? Or maybe, she just has some schoolwork to finish.
Jude goes into the bathroom, loads up a video on his phone, and begins to masturbate. When he comes, his hand doesn’t look like his hand anymore. It has a dragon, angrily spitting fire.
*
The next morning, a young couple checks-in. Jude is glad to see that they have no baby in tow. The guy looks like he is worried about paparazzi, and the girl looks like she can’t handle his self-consciousness. What samples!
“It’s not fair that Simon gets to boss over me,” he had said to her. “I want to boss over someone, too!” Sometimes, his heart aches, knowing that he can’t contact her anymore. Sometimes, the feeling is too much to hold within.
His mind rewinds to the moment in the bathroom. How strange had it been, to see a flash of the OD guy once again?
The couple’s voices bring him back to the present.
“Can’t you just eat with your hand? Who the fuck eats fish with a fork?”
“We do, Caroline. We do.”
“We came here to be ourselves, right?”
“I am fucking myself.’ After a pause, he adds, “I mean. I am myself.”
“What you said is absolutely right. You are fucking yourself, not just tonight, but this whole trip. You’ve been nothing but a jerk, and we have a witness,” she points at Jude. Her lips start to tremble.
“Ay you!” the guy yells at Jude. “What are you looking at? Bring a tissue.”
Jude hands over some tissues to the girl. When she stretches her hand to grab the tissue, the fat under her arm draws Jude’s attention. He imagines how she would look in bed.
Her boyfriend shoves Jude’s shoulder, clearly noticing Jude’s gaze, “Go get your brother!”
What will Simon do? He must be scratching his balls and sleeping on the cool tiles. Jude doesn’t like the guy’s tone at all. He must have seen the way Simon treats him and he thinks it’s okay to speak to him like that. Jude prays he walks in on the couple while having sex. That would be a treat.
In Jude’s dream that night, Judith appears to hit his head with a frying pan, chiding him for his inappropriate fantasies. Jude promises to curb his dirty thoughts only if Judith herself appears to him while he is awake. Before the dream ends, she kisses him on his chin, the way she does every time, just before her death anniversary.
*
Jude and Simon attend the early morning mass in memory of Judith’s death. During the distribution of Communion, when the priest looks into Jude’s eyes and raises the host, saying, “The body of Christ”, Jude sees the OD guy’s face in it. Jude sticks his tongue out and says “Amen”, but he has trouble swallowing the host. He ends up coughing, violently.
Would anyone remember the OD guy’s death anniversary?
Jude checks his phone, and he has received no message from Maria yet. He wants to tell her about the visions. She might understand. She usually calls him up on Judith’s anniversary just so he can talk about her. On reaching the guesthouse, he changes into his uniform before calling up Maria. How long can she ignore him?
It takes five calls, before she finally picks up. After a lot of pestering, she reveals that her father doesn’t want her hanging out with a dropout.
“I can go anytime.”
“Is it your father’s house that you can go?”
“Wait, I have my old uniform. I’ll wear that and come today to meet him. How he’ll know?”
After a moment of silence, she adds, “But…but I miss you, re. Don’t you miss school?”
“Ago Simon needs me. He can’t do anything. I’m very important here. This guest house will be mine.”
“Oh really, you think Simon will let you? You are his helper.”
Boys in his locality rarely make a name for themselves. Parents curse themselves for giving birth to sons. They prefer daughters because daughters don’t do drugs.
“I have proof now. I have videos of Jo sleeping.”
“You don’t get any money na? No money. No school. What I’ll tell Dada?”
Jude promises to wear his uniform and appear at her doorstep. He won’t let his father’s reputation ruin his chance at a happy future. He won’t let the area’s reputation ruin his chance at a happy future. Boys in his locality rarely make a name for themselves. Parents curse themselves for giving birth to sons. They prefer daughters because daughters don’t do drugs. Jude had vowed to Judith he would never go down that path.
He searches for his school uniform everywhere the way a junkie would look for his next fix, and when he can’t find it, he loses it.
He sees Simon, sitting by himself, laughing at an Instagram reel. “You bastard,” Jude shouts out. “Where’s my uniform?”
“Who are you calling bastard man? My father is your father. Which uniform? You are wearing it.”
“My school uniform.”
“School? Don’t waste my time. You stopped going to school.”
Jude notices the laundry guy by the gate and runs towards him. “Ay, listen: Did you see my blue uniform?”
At the same time, a newly checked in couple comes out of a room, and points at their sheets, “Excuse me? Hello!” they shout out to Jude. “What are these brown stains? We want new sheets.”
Simon whistles, drawing the laundry guy’s attention. Jude fumes.
A scuffle starts, and Jude gets caught up in the mess.
It’s only in the evening that he remembers his plans to visit Maria’s house. He grabs his cycle and rushes to her place. On the way, a man he has never seen before stops him, inquiring about Stanley’s whereabouts. The man has a long gold chain around his neck and his breath stinks of stale alcohol.
“Kui aasa to? London aha? Portuguese passport aha?”
Jude says he has no clue. The man swears at him before Jude is able to pedal away from him. He finally reaches Maria’s house, after trying to evade a few more people on the way who seem worried about Stanley’s sudden disappearance.
There’s Rocky—Maria’s family dog—who doesn’t look too happy on seeing Jude. Rocky pounces, as if trained to specifically attack Jude. Jude catches sight of Maria, standing inside her house, behind the curtains. She doesn’t budge. When Jude calls out for help, Maria’s neighbour, an old woman, manages to distract the dog with the branch of a tree. Jude escapes, pedaling his way back to the guesthouse.
The humiliation sinks in once Jude retires for the night. Why is she doing this? He was about to share his secret with her! How stupid! He has been good to her. He has been extremely good to her!
Jude knows men who have ways to make girls crazy after them. They tempt girls to sniff whatever substance they have on them, and then keep them hanging for more and just like that in one moment, the girls who didn’t even bother about them, end up begging for their attention.
His eyes close. He wants Judith to chide him again—for his dirty thoughts—but there are no dreams this night. He struggles to fall asleep, and after turning and tossing for hours, he decides to go to the beach.
It’s a quiet night. There is no rave party today, and the beach, he knows, will be deserted. He will be able to think. He takes two beer cans along with him before running straight to the sand, to the most deserted corner near the boulders. It’s a zigzag route for others, but Jude knows the way like he knew Judith.
Parking himself on one of the huge boulders, Jude stares at the water. The waves crashing on the boulder, the beer spills into his stomach, and Jude is lulled into a dream-like state. The darkness envelopes him like a hug while the salt of the sea hits his nostrils. It’s been sometime since he sat by the sea like this. Maybe he should visit every night, now that he doesn’t go to school. Judith would have wanted him to go to school and have a family someday. The moonlight shines on the boulder, reflecting off the mollusc shells. He picks at a couple of molluscs stuck onto the boulder and flings them into the water, and then yells into the water
“Mama, I miss you!”
He continues speaking aloud, perhaps to the molluscs, perhaps to the crashing waves. “I’m going crazy, I think. I keep seeing that man. The man who overdosed in our guesthouse? I don’t know why. Why don’t you come to meet me during the day? I’m fed up.”
Jude flings the empty can into the water, and opens the other one. And only when he’s halfway through the second, does he hear a voice, seated close behind him.
“Can I?”
Jude lets out a scream, but the man catches the can before it can fall from Jude’s hands. Jude loses his grip on the boulder and slips, but the man pulls him back.
“Hi, I’m a head hunter,” the man extends his hand. He says he has been looking all over for someone like Jude.
“Who are you?” Jude asks, scanning the man from head to toe. The man looks exactly like Bob Marley, in the poster Jude has seen since his childhood. So, is the ghost of Bob Marley now visiting him?
“I told you. I’m a head hunter.” He speaks in a strong Jamaican accent. “I look for helpers. Many boys here live secret lives as helpers.”
“Helpers? I own a guesthouse, you idiot!” Jude says. No, he isn’t Bob Marley. He’s definitely some tourist, looking to fool Jude.
“Right. What do you think all dropouts do? They don’t become Steve Jobs, eh? They are helpers. I have been watching you. You’re good. You manage everything but your brother takes the credit, right?”
Jude looks around. It is still pitch dark. This could be a dream. Or he could be drunk already. Or this man could kill him and no one would know.
“Who are you?” Jude asks again.
“Do you know why that man has been visiting you?”
“Which man?”
“You know which man. The OD guy.”
“What…?” Jude feels himself getting stumped, “…Why is it happening?”
“Freedom,” the man says, pushing his head high, staring at the sky.
“What?” asks Jude again, following the gaze of the man.
The sky is a blank canvas. Jude is tempted to splash some paint on it. His thought makes him shake the beer can in his hand as if it were paint. The beer spills onto his clothes.
“That man… He wants freedom. Only you can grant him that.”
That accent… Now, it makes Jude wish to request a reggae song.
“What will I have to do?” Jude instead asks.
“That depends on what he wants. I can’t tell you that.”
Jude pauses for a moment, and then asks the question that has truly been haunting him.
“Can I meet my mother?”
“If he says so, you can. I think it will only be possible when he finally leaves purgatory. Try your best.”
The man places a small bottle of pills in Jude’s hand. Jude leans in as the man whispers some instructions into his ear. And then, he disappears into the shadows of the night.
The waves crashing on the boulder, the beer spills into his stomach, and Jude is lulled into a dream-like state. The darkness envelopes him like a hug while the salt of the sea hits his nostrils. It’s been sometime since he sat by the sea like this.
Jude pockets the bottle and decides to return back. On his way home, he keeps touching the bottle in his trouser pocket, to assure himself of the encounter. He manages to find his way home and places the bottle at the back of his wardrobe before falling asleep.
*
In the morning, Jude is tempted to discover what these pills can do. He finds a spare room at the end of the guesthouse where he sits down on one of the chairs. He looks at the faded posters of Bob Marley on the walls. He prays for courage and puts one pill in his mouth.
Hours pass by and nothing happens. But the moment the pill’s effect sinks in, the OD guy appears in front of him. He starts confessing.
“Kids you know, just kids, I was a kid too but I know, now, it wasn’t right.”
The OD guy tells Jude about how he sold drugs to boys in the neighbourhood, and he wishes he hadn’t. Jude has never been confided in before. He feels strange. He feels powerful. Like a priest at a confessional.
Jude wonders what he could prescribe as penance but he imagines life in purgatory is punishment enough so he says, “No one is perfect. If you could do things differently now, how would you do it?”
“What do you mean? Isn’t it too late?”
“Who were those boys? Maybe they’re still around. Maybe I could get them into rehab.”
The OD guy starts sobbing. He falls at Jude’s feet.
*
At home, when Simon interrogates Jude on his whereabouts, Jude stays silent.
“Just because business is low doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want,” Simon warns.
Jude chuckles. If only he knew!
Jude finds sleep elusive, just like Maria is. He tosses and turns, unable to wait for the next time he meets the OD guy.
In the morning, Simon irritates him, “Give me five ideas by noon. I can’t do everything. We need more guests.”
Jude begins to get the most painful headache he has ever had. Simon’s voice to him sounds like the grating of coconut. Maria might have some ideas. He tries to push his ego aside and calls her. When she answers, he is surprised. She might be feeling guilty for the way she has been treating him.
“Are you busy?” he asks, in an attempt to make small talk. He doesn’t like his formal tone.
“No, re. Tell me.” Her voice is warm.
“This Simon is irritating me too much. He wants some ideas to get more guests. I thought of asking you.”
Jude almost expects her to disconnect the line but she says, “Maybe invite someone there. An artist? A singer?”
“What? How will that help?”
“Arre it will draw crowds, na? We recently went to this museum. I forgot the name. Our school picnic re. Oh yes, the Museum of Christian Art. There was this guy, the tour guide, who showed us around. He sings very well. Like very very well. I have his number. Maybe I can speak to him.”
“You don’t even have a friend,” the man challenges Jude, his eyebrows reaching his hairline. “No one will believe you. Everyone hates you because of your father. Where is your father?”
Before Jude can reply, she adds, enthusiastically, “And you know he told us how Christian art has evolved over the years. It has had Hindu influences because they were employed to make the statues—”
“Enough!” Jude interrupts her angrily. “You can’t find time to talk to me and you are talking to him. Shit! I’m such a fool. I won’t even call him to sing at my funeral!”
“Oh really? How will you call him if you are dead! You are useless!” She cuts the call on him.
Angrily, Jude grabs the pen and notepad from the table and jots down the first thing that comes to his mind. Then he flings the pen at the wall which breaks and lands in pieces on the floor.
He shouldn’t have called Maria.
Jude stomps off to his secret space. Which miserable fuck speaks to the dead? His mind spirals as he takes a pill.
At dinner, Simon looks at the idea jotted down by Jude. A visit from a psychedelic artist.
“Only one idea huh. I told you five. And where did you go today? I was looking all over for you. Whatever. Just get this done,” he says, flinging the notepad at Jude which lands in his lap.
“It was just an idea,” Jude says, mixing the beef roast with his rice and stuffing a morsel into his mouth. Their cook has been demanding a raise, and with the guesthouse’s earnings sinking, Jude wonders if the cook will leave. Then, Simon will definitely make Jude work in the kitchen as well.
“What do you mean ‘just an idea’? You actually have to do it!”
Jude argues that he has better things to do, and gets up from the table, taking his plate with him to his room.
*
Jude soon exhausts the bottle of pills. He stays up at night for two days, and visits the same spot where he had met the man who gave him the pills. He doesn’t find him. A couple of weeks later, he finds the man on the boulder, the same boulder on which Jude has been sitting, waiting. This time, however, the pills have to be earned.
“It’s a job. I should be paid for this. He will be getting out of purgatory because of me!”
The head hunter laughs at this. He says Jude could just forget all about it, but the OD guy would only continue to haunt him—and he would never get to meet his mother.
“You—I will report you!”
“You don’t even have a friend,” the man challenges Jude, his eyebrows reaching his hairline. “No one will believe you. Everyone hates you because of your father. Where is your father?”
Helpless, Jude uses money from the guesthouse’s earnings to get more pills from the man. Soon, Jude begins to find validation, even some happiness, as a helper to the OD guy. Now, with every visit, he feels a step closer to Judith.
During one of the visits, the OD guy tells Jude to get Judith tattooed on his arm.
Jude finds it’s easier to talk to a dead man instead of a living one. This goes on for weeks. One morning, before he can take the pill, the door of the room is kicked open.
Maria and her father stare at him. Simon is there, too.
“You rascal! So this is where the money has been going!” Simon kicks the leg of Jude’s chair, knocking it over. Maria’s father laughs. “See, didn’t I tell you? This is what he has been doing!”
Jude crawls to Maria, trying to get a hold of her leg before she can leave, but Simon drags him by the collar, “The sheets need changing. Where do you think you’re going?”
Jude has no choice but to obey. Now, he goes about his duties, like a zombie, throughout the day.
*
When he retreats to his room at night, his fingers twitch. He can’t wait anymore. He has promised the OD guy he would contact his ex-clients, the boys, and ensure they had better futures but that has to wait. He removes the bottle of pills from the hiding place and consumes them all at once.
Maybe this will expedite the process. Maybe it will help him meet Judith soon.
***
Michelle D’costa is a writer, editor, and creative writing mentor from Mumbai. She co-hosts the author interview podcast Books and Beyond with Bound. Her poetry chapbook Gulf was published by Yavanika Press in 2021. Her work can be found in Litro UK, Berfrois, Eclectica, Out Of Print, and others. You can find her on Twitter: @michellewdcosta, Instagram: @michellewdcosta, or her webpage: https://michellewendydcosta.wordpress.com/.
