An Interview with ‘The Guysexual’—Aniruddha Mahale Gets Out
Image courtesy: HarperCollins India
Aniruddha Mahale—author of Get Out: The Gay Man’s Guide to Coming Out and Going Out—discusses his crush on Rahul Khanna, lying to his dates, sending nudes, and the socio-economic aspects of gay dating in India.
Aniruddha Mahale’s debut non-fiction volume Get Out: The Gay Man’s Guide to Coming Out and Going Out (HarperCollins India, 2022) attempts to be many books rolled into one: a sex diary that allows the author to boast and rant about his encounters; a self-help book for readers who want to know how to research, dress, talk, and smell for a date; and also, a manual for heterosexual people who have gay friends—but are totally clueless about how to be allies.
Better known as @theguysexual on social media, Mahale describes himself as “writer of queer culture, lover of queer dudes”. Get Out is entertaining in parts, judgmental at times, thoughtful in moments—but often unaware of how it makes broad generalizations about the Indian gay male experience without any reference to the ways in which dating experiences are influenced by class, religion, and caste.
In a detailed interview with Chintan Girish Modi, Mahale discusses crushing on Rahul Khanna, lying to his dates, sending nudes, and why Get Out didn’t address some of the socio-economic aspects of gay dating in India. Edited excerpts:
Modi: Growing up as a gay teenager, did you ever imagine writing a book for gay men about how to navigate the dating market like a pro? How do you look back at your journey?
Mahale: Honestly speaking… No! I was a very naïve gay teenager. I came out quite late even to myself. These days, you hear about people coming out at the age of 10, 11 and 12. I think that’s remarkable. I grew up in the late 90s, so in terms of representation, awareness, information out there for us—it was all so limited!
To be precise, I was born in 1988, so I was around 14-15 when all of Karan Johar’s movies started coming out. Queer characters—or let’s say characters who were coded as queer without explicitly being called queer—were presented in such a poor light. They were not helpful at all in terms of giving me answers to the questions that I had as a teenager trying to come to terms with my sexuality. If, at that time, I had come across a book like Get Out, my journey would have been easier.
It took me many years to be fine with my sexuality. Confidence took even longer. In fact, I used to be really ashamed of my sexuality. Looking back, I feel a bit sad and embarrassed about the kind of person I was.
Modi: You’ve made up for lost time. In the book, you write about 69 dates that you went on…
“I was around 14-15 when all of Karan Johar’s movies started coming out. Queer characters—or let’s say characters who were coded as queer—were presented in such a poor light. They were not helpful at all in terms of giving me answers to the questions that I had as a teenager trying to come to terms with my sexuality.”
Mahale: Hahaha! That’s an abridged version of my dating life. There were many more dates. I wanted to write only about the ones that mattered, the ones that left me with learnings to pass on. I have met a lot of other men, who were quite good, but they didn’t make it to the book because I didn’t learn anything new from or with them. But yes, I’ve made up for lost time.
Modi: And you chose the number 69 for obvious reasons… come on, don’t lie about this!
Mahale: It was just supposed to be a giant inside joke to be shared with every reader in the world.
Modi: This book also contains your declaration of love for actor Rahul Khanna. If he reads the book, and ends up asking you out on a date, what do you think it would look like?
Mahale: [speaking incoherently with great excitement] I know I have very unrealistic dreams, but I slipped that declaration of love into my Acknowledgements section, because there is always that slim chance of someone who knows Rahul picking up my book. This person might gift the book to him, and that might lead to us getting together. Imagine how amazing that would be! None of my other dreams would matter. I would have everything that I ever needed.
Modi: I have met his cousin once. We’ve lost touch, but I could perhaps reconnect with him.
Mahale: Oh my god! Please do that. I will be forever in your debt. I will buy you drinks forever.
Modi: I don’t drink but I’ll certainly tell him about Get Out! Going back to the book, what was the idea that you approached HarperCollins with? How did the book take shape from there?
Mahale: I sent out my pitch to Shreya Punj at HarperCollins when I was drunk on a bottle and a half of wine. Since I had been following her on Twitter for years, I knew that her DMs were always open for pitches. With my experience of writing a column called “The Guysexual” for a while, I had this idea of converting it into a dating guide for gay men. It was the wine that gave me the liquid courage to actually reach out.
Shreya heard me out, and encouraged me to send her a proper pitch. The book was commissioned in 2018, around the time when the Supreme Court of India read down Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code. I happened to be in the right place at the right time, and that really worked for me. Had I pitched the same book a year prior to that or a year later, my pitch may not have got the kind of response that it did.
Photo courtesy: Harpercollins India
Shreya helped me streamline my thoughts. Her excitement about the book pushed me to work harder. Then she ended up quitting HarperCollins in March or April of 2019. Swati Daftuar became my editor after that. There was never any resistance from her about the content of my book, or how I wanted to say something. She respected the fact that the book was meant to be a manual—but it was also a memoir of sorts because I was writing from my own lived experience. The ‘69 dates’ mentioned in the book were like my field research. There were four rounds of edits, including a legal read and a sensitivity read. Every round helped me learn from different perspectives because what I had come up with initially was quite raw.
Modi: In the book, you recommend finding dates by volunteering for queer rights NGOs, and queer-led pet adoption services and beach clean-ups. Have you done all of these things?
Mahale: I haven’t done it myself, but I have friends who have found their partners at queer events. I think it’s beautiful when you find love while doing something for your community. Why should everyone have to look for love on dating apps? There should be other avenues.
Modi: You refer to “gay tribes” such as twinks, bears, jocks, daddies, otters, and so on. Would you say that, in the Indian context, these terms tend to be used mostly by urban English-speaking people, with some exposure to American and British popular culture?
Mahale: I agree with you. Also, this book is likely to appeal to a certain segment of people who are going to look at the title and find the money to buy a dating guide for themselves. While gay tribes are better known in the West, Grindr has been playing an important role by educating Indian users through its pre-set categories. Tribe terminology has become more accessible.
Modi: Do class, religion and caste play a role in determining desirability? For this book, did you seek inputs from gay men belonging to different socio-economic backgrounds?
Mahale: This is a tricky question to answer. I did not seek any such inputs, and this is the one thing that I feel really bad about. I should have done this but I did not. I cannot hide from that.
Modi: The socio-economic aspects of gay dating are evident, when you recommend buying products that make people look and smell a certain way. There is also this assumption that people have access to a private space to hook up. Did you consider these issues?
Mahale: What you are saying is sad and true. If I had thought about these things, I would have written a very different book. I have regrets but, frankly, I don’t know how to navigate all this.
“I was using the cover of the book as my display picture. Grindr classified my profile as a spam account, and blocked me. I had to create a whole new profile. I had never imagined that one day I’d be using Grindr to sell my book. But why not?”
Modi: I appreciate your honesty. Hopefully, there will be more books on this subject.
Mahale: Yes! My book is only the starting point of a conversation. I hope that others will write about their journeys, too. I know that I come from privilege, and that reflects in my book.
Apart from economic privilege, I’m also privileged to have never faced homophobia ever since I came out. I have grown up with an exceptionally good support system. My book has that chirpy quality to it because of these reasons. Most gay people may not have had such happy journeys. I’m not sure if I have the right to talk about their journeys. They need to hold the mic and speak for themselves. What we need is a whole library filled with books about queer experiences.
Modi: You write about consent mainly in terms of using condoms and informing partners about sexually transmitted infections. What are your thoughts on intimate partner violence among gay men, in a legal context that does not recognize queer relationships?
Mahale: Any violation of your body by another person is wrong. Many people don’t understand that forcing a partner into barebacking (having sex without a condom) or stealthing (removing a condom during sexual intercourse without seeking consent) is wrong. Unfortunately, these practices are widespread. Gay men need to be aware that such behaviours are not okay.
If the #MeToo movement hits the gay world, a lot of these assholes are going to come to light. I didn’t want to get into this in the book because I didn’t feel ready to share my experiences. We need a lot more conversation about consent within the community, especially because BDSM (bondage, dominance, submission, masochism) culture has blurred boundaries. Due to lack of awareness, there is confusion. BDSM is consensual—it is not the same as rape.
Modi: You write about ghosting people [suddenly ceasing all communication with a partner] and being ghosted. Why do people ghost?
Mahale: Usually, somebody is either too bored or overwhelmed. Or maybe, they don’t know how to respond to the other person’s feelings, or perhaps they just find somebody else to hook up with. I have ghosted people for all these reasons. It sounds shitty but, yes, I have done this.
Modi: Don’t you think that ghosting is also about a power trip?
Mahale: I don’t think so. If you are ghosting, it means that you are absent. When you are not there in the first place, you cannot be on a power trip because you cannot see how they are affected.
Modi: The book has a section on how to click nudes and use lighting to present oneself as more well-endowed than one is. Aren’t you reinforcing notions about ideal body types?
Mahale: I think that sending nudes is never the best way to introduce oneself, so the section that you are talking about is for people who are not going to listen to that advice! If they are hell-bent on sending nudes, then they should learn how to do it well so that they look nice. For security reasons, it’s best not to send nudes. Some creep might take screenshots on Grindr and share those pictures on Tumblr or Reddit. When people send nudes without cropping out their faces, they get a huge lecture from me. Sometimes, people send photographs of themselves having sex with others. I think that’s not cool at all. It is usually done without consent.
Modi: Have you ever used dating apps to promote your book?
Mahale: (laughs) Yes, I have. In fact, I was using the cover of the book as my display picture. Grindr classified my profile as a spam account, and blocked me. I had to create a whole new profile. I had never imagined that one day I’d be using Grindr to sell my book. But why not?
Modi: Perhaps you should guilt allies into buying it…
Mahale: I have been doing that left, right and centre. I ask them to buy it and gift it to gay friends. If they are a bit hesitant, I tell them that their allyship needs to go beyond Pride Month. Hahaha!
Modi: Your sense of humour is what makes the book so much fun to read. Do you find it easy to come up with jokes, or do you have to work really hard at them and go through multiple edits? Have you ever considered trying your hand at stand-up comedy?
Mahale: I tend to be good at self-deprecatory humour because I have a lot of insecurities. I use humour as a defence mechanism. While growing up, I didn’t have too many friends so in order to make myself likeable, I started using humour.
I’m not so sure about stand-up comedy even though my friends have told me that I should give it a shot. It seems to require a lot of emotional bandwidth because it’s not only about writing jokes. You have to deliver them. That is a completely different universe. I don’t think I have the courage to try my hand at it. Writing comes easily to me, but I can’t see myself performing in front of hundreds of people.
Modi: There is honesty in the humour, too. You write about pretending to love William Dalrymple’s book City of Djinns on one of your dates. What are some of the other lies that you have told to make yourself sound attractive?
Mahale: Once I made the mistake of telling someone about my made-up interest in mythology. This man gave me a 55-minute monologue on scriptures, inscriptions, legends and what not. I have also pretended to like people’s siblings and pets. I guess I’m not a very nice person!
***
Chintan Girish Modi has an M.Phil in English Language Education, and has worked with the UNESCO Mahatma Gandhi Institute of Education for Peace and Sustainable Development, the Kabir Project, and the Hri Institute for Southasian Research and Exchange. His writing has appeared in Bent Book: A Queerish Anthology, Fearless Love, Clear Hold Build, Borderlines Volume 1, and more. He can be reached at chintan.prajnya@gmail.com.
